Life in the times of fear of ridiculous proportions

Perhaps my apprehensions are misplaced, perhaps my priorities have been dislodged from their original sane hierarchy or perhaps this extremely random thought process is a natural manifestation of the situation I find myself in. Now that my ceremonious never-ending conjunct sentence has hopefully grabbed your attention, I shall proceed to numb your mind to a lighter shade of grey. The aforementioned situation is that of being in a foreign land. I would love to be more precise and be more descriptive about the scenario I find myself in but I will not. The reason being, that my state of mind and state of being are all relatively unaffected by these details. I say relatively because I have come to realize that to survive on your own and more importantly be happy on your own is a talent that very few possess. I am certainly devoid of such attributes, which proves it, with me authoring such utter melancholic nonsense. I am a social being as I believe man was made to be. However the ability to survive all by your own and the satisfaction and a sense of achievement bordering on happiness is something that has always eluded me. It is therefore with this realization that I attempt to precede and analyze this rather complex phenomenon with brutality and a total lack of intelligence and finesse.

I would have imagined that I possessed the adequate skill set to be happy alone (I know that didn’t “come out” right) I play sports, listen to music have fairly above average people skills if not good. Then why in an alien environment do I find myself so bemused and vulnerable? The answer lies in the specified prerequisites itself. Maybe I tried to develop these aspects of my personality to meet new people, to become more social and to not face being alone. If only it were so simple. I have over a substantial period of time now felt as if I have been evolving into an agglomeration of vices. Some of which I have imported from here and there and some of my own having multiplied. Now the real problem and frustrating part is the ability to be aware of the path I’m headed down and yet having lost control of the rudder. I have started over thinking and not of the right kind. Earlier my mind was obsessed with grand slam finals and Premier of states and millionaire fantasies (and yes girls too). But, sometime in the past I don’t exactly know when, I decided forcefully that these were neither fruitful nor constructive. So I started to try and alter my thought process whenever I drifted to these aforementioned haunts. I somehow misconstrued pragmatism with pessimism, and went from living in the enjoyable present to living in the possibly woeful future.

Now, I hope things shall be different. Hopefully, being the imperative word in the sentence. I’ve noticed how over the last few months I’ve never really appreciated anything or anyone. Perhaps I’ve lost ability to enjoy and praise and be happy for a particular instant in time, rather focussing on the transient nature of the joy thereby rendering it unimportant. Maybe the overdose of philosophy is a direct outcome of no sports for quite some time. Maybe the severe lack of Punjabi obscenities reaching my eardrums is having a weird withdrawal symptom. Maybe without the daily over dose of ice-teas and frappes from Nescafe my brain goes wonky.
And it has been. As I attempt to continue to wind up this first (and possibly last) ever post while simultaneously turning a new leaf I am proud to announce that I am indeed having a good time. Corrections a decent time with patches of the memorable.