IIT ARTICLES ...

I thought it would be fun to upload some of the stuff i wrote during my more than memorable stay at IITD. Here they are::

A ROYAL MESS

Very rarely does a “full blooded” man (whose characteristics I shall surely define later) find himself in a predicament so twisted and evil, concocted with devil’s blood itself, a plan conceived by the disciples of Satan yet implemented by god’s own men. It is in desperate times like these that he seeks solace in the lone refuge of the desolate, the only haven for the despondent the proverbial “last resort” (also an eagle’s song by the way). Now allow me to clarify the aforementioned aggregation of nonsense probably influenced by insomnia and enormous intake of caffeine by yours truly. Now I’m sure you must be wondering what I can possibly be referring to because I surely am! In my defense I propose the following far fetched but well researched factoids bordering on the truth…… The defined predicament is when an unsuspecting hosteller waltzes in to “his” mess to find a despicable array of options seemingly under the category of edible and palatable food only to realize that he has developed a strong cumulative loathing for “that” very array of food. Now this accumulation of hatred has compelled him to come out of his placid shell, break free and say “NO”. Simple you say? What’s the whole fuss over? It’s just an exercise for free speech? The real crux of the problem actually lies further south of the stomach. Oops clarification needed! What I meant was the manifestation of economic status based on the age old global yet slightly altered version of the physical barter system. Still confused? He had a big fat “ZUUK“in his wallet for those of you who love the blunt ineloquent approach to life.

Now why would I waist 5 minutes of your precious time with a prologue to a scenario so clichéd so hackneyed and so passé? Oh! I forgot a word……common. The answer lays in that last addition to the list of adjectives for a situation whose very mention sends a shiver down my spine. Let us now in true I.I.T fashion dissect the problem and via an analytical thought process and come to a logical and hopefully correct solution. But the only perfect solution is one that can satiate human hunger and yet not leave the individual’s economic standing in society in a questionable state. THAT would be in cs102 lingo the n log n equivalent in modern day life!

Step one of an elementary two step procedure. What NOT to do. DO NOT think of your mom (no offense to butler Saab) and the seemingly infinite portions of home made food which lay there punctually every night at your disposal. DO NOT give in to mass hysteria produced by the advertisements of huge corporations like MacD, dominos or slice of Italy or even the slightly cheaper alternatives of jugheads. These merely induce the notion that shelling out cash in return for insufficient portions of food (although delicious) is a valid indiscretion for a youth to indulge in. This however is not in keeping with your average hosteller’s monthly budget (unless you’re organizing Rendezvous of course). This budget is meant to be donated unwillingly and unknowingly to Gopi at Nescafe or that frustrated gentlemen at KLS or even to that pedantic family running Sip N Bite. We can’t afford a 20 buck burger for Pete’s Sake! That would be blasphemous to the religion that is I.I.T.

DO NOT even contemplate the horrid option that is KLS. Okay I realize I might have offended a few loyalists but it’s only for the better (I hope!). Come on gentlemen, we’ve all come back from our mother’s fragrant kitchens. Only to subject our high standards to abject humiliation in the form of “butter” paneer (a weird pun for the “cream” of the country) or “shahi” paneer (a rotten attempt to make us feel royal) or “kadai” paneer (I wish it would have stayed in the kadai in the first place). Bottom line gentlemen (sexual bias not going unnoticed) is eating out on your own precious little stash of money is simply not acceptable. If you haven’t given in to any of the above, congratulations you are now a “full-blooded” man.

That brings us to what to DO in the aforementioned situation with which I have consumed a perfectly productive half hour of the reader. Statutory warning: this solution is only a manifestation of the ethically devoid yet satiated lifestyle so commonly observed in any hosteller and should not be held against the institute or hostel in its entirety. Without further a due I propose the following revolutionary yet age old tradition encapsulated in a magnificent 5 letter word called TREAT. First with your feet firmly on the ground do rough scan of the room you are currently in (if alone I suggest you relocate). Second then eliminating the population who might actually ask YOU for a treat rank the remaining population with respect to their treat giving coefficient. This coefficient depends on various parameters such as economic status, “pappipana” (essentially the ability to get duped easily), familiarity, seniority of the victim you are about to ruthlessly hunt down…… and most importantly a “reason”. This reason may be anything that serves the purpose (free food in case you’ve forgotten). Its diversity may extend from academic success to social acclaim to sports victory to even something as trivial as a nice t-shirt. What matters most is the manner in which the proposition was made. Some of the great hustlers have even managed treats from minuscule compliments such as “hey, that’s a great hair cut”. I however recommend that you slowly increment your level at the risk of damaging your reputation for good.

Now that I have relinquished the almighty secret to conquering the perennial conundrum of hunger coupled with “zuuk” in the wallet you are welcome to ask……Why oh why I felt compelled to subject you to this Chinese torture in the name of writing. The answer lies in a cliché. I am very passionate about food (although my physical aspect doesn’t seem reflective of that passion) and as they say “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. Happy hunting tonight gentlemen.